Loneliness

I sometimes found it hard to travel alone. It could be tough. But I don't think that I had many other choices.

When I was on the way, I had to deal with everything myself. All the planning, running of errands, sickness etc. There were times when I was confused and foolish. But there was no one to depend on. So from time to time I made stupid decisions, such as taking the wrong directions, taking the wrong means of transport or buying the wrong tickets. Minor mistakes. But when I made a mistake, I alone suffered. There was nobody to turn to. Sometimes I would be frightened, like when I walked alone at night in Wien and London. How I wish I had someone to accompany me and watch over me.

Travelling with a limited budget could be quite tiring. Actually, I think it was because I was always walking that I felt so tired all the time. Sometimes I had to carry a lot of things with me. I remember that during my longest trip to Europe in the summer, I had to carry more than one guidebook, my thick coat, water, food, and all my valuables with me. They were unbearably heavy. But there was nobody to share my load.

Of course, there was no one to share the expenses either.

On the whole, there was no one to talk to. From time to time, a sharp feeling of loneliness would attack me without any warning. This was the hardest part. When I didn't feel it, it was all right. But when I did, it hurt. I was most vulnerable when I was weak, feeling ill; or when I felt happy or saw beautiful things but had nobody to share the happiness with; or when I saw the intimacy of the couples on the streets or trains, or the joyous and carefree ways groups of youngsters behaved. The attack of loneliness could be acute, bringing tears to my eyes and meddling the peace of my mind. Realizing the fact that I was completely alone was hard to bear.

However, I think I did not do it badly. I have managed to travel to Europe four times now all by myself. Surely it means something, like that I am independent financially and also, sadly, socially.

I hope that the next time I travel I will have some company.